Learning alphabets the Punjabi way

Learning Alfabet the Panjaabi way! 

A is for Aiscreame

B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.

C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Cloney'.

D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'

E is for Expanditure, the spending of money

F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building

G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame.

H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.

I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.

J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be.

K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')

L is for Loin, the king of the jungle

M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.

N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.

O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).

P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far(100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).

Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into Punjabi - does not exist in the culture.

R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.

S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi .

T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.

U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'

V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.

W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'

X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.

Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.

Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest!

Rajini all the way

Why did the British leave INDIA iN 1947? 

. 

Because they came to kNow a baby Named RajiNikaNth will be borN iN 1949!! 

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The newly got symbol for the rupee is actually rajnikanth''s signature. 

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Rajnikanth once wrote his autobiography... 

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. 

Today that book is known as Guiness Book of World records.. 

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1+0=1 

1*0=0 

1-0=1 

den 

1/0=? 

dis was d qstion 1ce asked 2 RAJNIKANTH nd he said, 

"I dnt kno!" 

Thats why it's declared as 

"Not Defined"..! 

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Rajnikanth doesn't shave... 

he just looks in the mirror and dares hairs to grow...!! 

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Part of apple's logo dat is missing was eaten by Rajnikanth... 

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Once while playing Rajnikanth said "STATUE" to a person......... 

Now that person is known as "STATUE OF LIBERTY".... 

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** Breaking news ** 

Rajnikanth...... 

got shot yesterday . . 

today is the bullet''s funeral...!! 

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What is that rajnikanth can do..that we cant even think of doin it..?! 

He can answer a missed call.! 

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Breaking News: 

Rajnikanth Presented A Cheque 

& 

;-)The Bank Bounced:-D 

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Did U ever wonder...?? 

Wat does GOD exclaim when he is shocked? 

. 

. 

'Oh my RAJNIKANTH!!!!!' 

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Government pays TAX to Rajnikant for working in India........... 

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Awesum fact.., 

Rajnikant has counted infinity twice.! 

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Rajnikant creats his new mail i.d. 

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Gmail@rajnikant.com 

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USA POWER 

vs 

INDIAN POWER 

USA- 

10000 nuclear weapons, 600000 army, 10000 tanks, 

12000 air force, 3000 ships 

INDIA- 

*RAJNIKANTH* 

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Once Dinosaurs borrowed money from Rajnikanth and refused to pay him back... 

That was the last time anyone saw Dinosaurs... 

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A child went2 Kashmir& startd playing by making small mountains from ice. 

Today those mountains are called "Himalyas" 

& 

That child name is 

RAJNIKANTH 

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FaceBooK founder Mark Zukerberg hospitalized with serious injury.. 

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Rajnikanth poked him on Facebook. 

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Why does rajnikanth wear sunglasses? 

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To protect the sun from his eyes! 

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a 22 whealer huge truck once met with an accident against RAJINIKANTH 

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Since then, 

it is called TATA NANO. 

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Rajinikanth once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's, 

and got it. 

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Rajinikanth does push-ups, 

he isn't lifting himself up. 

He is pushing the earth down. 

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Basketball player to RAJNIKANT: 

I can spin a ball on my finger for 2 hours ... can u ??? 

rajnikanth: yena rascala, how do u think the earth spins?? mind it... 

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Spider man,superman,batman,james bond, ironman, shaktiman, krish all visited rajnikanth. 

Do u know which day it was? 

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GURU POURNIMA! 

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BREAKING NEWS..... 

FACEBOOK HAS NOW JOINED ""RAJNIKANTH"" 

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Once when rajnikant was playing cricket ,he played a defensive shot... 

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And now that ball is called... 

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" PLUTO " 

Rajnikant once threw a coin in disgust at a black beggar, 

he is now called 50 cent..!! 

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RAJNIKANT enters BIGG BOSS 4... 

next day ... 

RAJNIKANT chahte hai ki BIGG BOSS confession room me aayein!!! 

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Rajnikanth once farted after a heavy meal... 

The gas today is known as ozone layer 

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Once a guy winked at Rajnikanth's wife, Rajni twisted his limbs and broke his eyelid. 

We now know him as Baba Ramdev.. 

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Rajnikanth and Superman once had arm wrestled and the loser had to wear his Underwear over his pants.. 

We all know who won..!! 

Oxymoron

Oxymoron 

An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:- 

 Read till end J 

Ex:-

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies

And Mother of all the above is...... 

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11) Happily Married J 

Rajnikant and Amitabh

Rajnikanth was bragging to Amitabh Bachchan one day, "You know, I know everyone. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting,Amitabh called his bluff, "OK, Rajini how about Tom Cruise?" 

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"Rajini said. 

 So Rajini and Amitabh fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, And sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: --- 

"Thalaiva! Great to see you! 

You And your friends come right in and join me for lunch!" 

...Although impressed,Amitabh is still skeptical. 

 After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Rajini that he thinks Rajini knowing Cruise was Just lucky. 

"No, no, just name anyone else" Rajini says  .."President Obama", Amitabh quickly retorts 

 ..."Yes",Rajini says, "I know him." 

 And off they go. 

At the White House, Obama spots Rajini on the tour and motions him, saying :---- 

"Rajini, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up". 

Well, AmitabhBachchan is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. 

After they leave the White House grounds, he implores him to name anyone else. 

         

"The Pope," Amitabh Bachan replies 

..."Sure!" says Rajini, 

"My folks are from Italy and I've known the Pope a long time".

 Rajini and Amitabh are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Rajini says, 

         "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. 

Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." 

         And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican .. 

Sure enough, half an hour laterRajini emerges with the Pope on the balcony. 

         But by the time Rajini returns, he finds that Amitabh Bachchan has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. 

Working his way toAmitabhBachchan's side, Rajini asks him, What happened?"

         AmitabhBachan looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the pope came out on the balcony and the Italian man next to me asked, 

* 

* 

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* 

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"Who's that on the balcony with Rajini?"

Kick start words

Why do we sometimes write 'etc' at the end in the exam?   

bcoz it means... 

  

E-End of 

T-thinking 

C-capacity. 

  

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How to Create d Biggest Doubt in ur Wife's Mind 4 u?   

? 

?   

Just Suddenly send her SMS Saying.. 

  

"I Luv u too" 

. 

GAME OVER.! 

  

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When do you knw ur in love? 

Ans. When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan 

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Wht is the Diff b/w 

Young Age & Old Age? 

  

* 

  

Simple.. 

  

In Young Age 

Phone Is Full Of Darlings Numbers.. 

  

In Old Age 

Its Full of Doctors Numbers..!- 

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"Why is Facebook such a hit? 

It works on the principle that- 

  

'People are more interested in others life than their own-! 

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A Ques Asked In A Talent Test: 

If You Are Married To 1 Of The Twin Sisters, How wud You Recognize Your WIFE? 

  

The Best Answer 

- Why d Hell Should I recognise? 

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V Pronounce 22 as TwentyTwo, 33 as Thirty Three, 

44 as FortyFour, 

55 as FiftyFive, Why not 11 as OnetyOne? 

Doubt By last bench asociation... 

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What is the diff.between"GHAZAL" &"LECTURE"?Every word spoken by the girlfriend is "GHAZAL"andEvery word spoken by wife is "LECTURE" 

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Wats d diff btwn Pongal n idly?think.think..think...U ll get a holiday for pongal but not for idly. 

  

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What will be the girl's name born on 1st of APRIL? Guess Guess Guess Guess "FOOLAN DEVI.. 

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Why does d bride & groom xchange garlands at d time of wedding..... B'coz they say each affectionately that : "DARLING NOW U R DEAD"........... 

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What is the height of confusion? Two earth worms Playing HIDE AND SEEK in a Plate full of noodles. 

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Wat is d Biggest Benefit of having a crush in d same college where u study ? 

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100% Attendence... :-P 

  

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QUES - Where can u see mangoes? On mango trees? NO.At fruit shop? WRONG AGAIN....Fir kaha? 

ANS - Jaha jaha women go,piche piche Man(goes). 

  

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Teacher: What Is The Difference HIMAMI 

& 

SUNAMI ? 

Tintu: HIMAMI is Face Wash, 

SUNAMI is Total Wash.! 

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Difference between Friend & Wife 

  

U can Tell ur Friend 

“U r my Best Friend” 

But 

  

Do u have courage tell to ur Wife 

“U r my Best Wife?” 

  

Two questions in life

Life really boils down to 2 questions...

1. Should I get a dog.....?

OR...  2. Should I have children?

No matter what situations life throws at you....

No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..

Remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  

Benefits of Yoga and Drinking

Research confirms that drinking Alcohol gives you the same benefits yoga does !!!

Savasana : Position of total relaxation.

Yoga                  Drinking

                                                 

 Balasana : Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm

Yoga                          Drinking

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana : This position calms the brain and heals tired legs

Yoga                      Drinking

 
Marjayasana : Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column
 

Yoga                    Drinking

 

Halasana : Excellent for back pain and insomnia

Yoga                        Drinking

 

Dolphin : Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

Yoga                       Drinking

 
Salambhasana : Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.
 

Yoga                       Drinking

 

Ananda Balasana : This position is great for massaging the hip area.
 

Yoga                     Drinking

Malasana : This position, for ankles and back muscles.

Yoga                               Drinking

 

English Hospitality ??

An American tourist in London wanders around , seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at some small pub to have a pint of beer. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with stately residences. No pubs, no restaurants, and worst of all - no public restrooms. However, he really has to pee, after all those pints of beer.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. Imediately, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to pee, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Just follow me" says the Bobby. Then he leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobby, Whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of flowers.

After releiving himself, he goes back through the gate. He thanks the Bobby, "That was really nice of you. Is that what you call English hospitality? "

"No sir...” replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the American Embassy!"

Good to read

Physics would have been much much easier... 

If.. 

If.. 

If.. 

If.. 

The Tree itself had Fallen On Newton 's Head Instead of the Apple..!! 

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WHICH IS THE MOST DANGEROUS ALPHABET OF ALL? 

"W"!! 

B'COZ ALL WORRIES START WITH "W" 

WHO? 

WHY? 

WHAT? 

WHEN? 

WHICH? 

WHOM? 

WHERE? 

WAR! 

AND FINALLY 

WIFE....! 

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GOD: I Can’t Be Everywhere So I Created MOTHERS 

DEVIL: I Can’t Be Everywhere So I Created GIRLS. 

GOD: Don’t Worry I Have Created BOYS 

To Change Them To MOTHERS! 

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Moral of the movie ROBOT- 

A girl can not only spoil a man but even machines! 

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When Alchohol is consumed, 

Whatever is in the mind comes out... 

So I suggest all students to drink before writing exams. 

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You know a Crazy fact of today’s generation: 

Once upon a time, GIRLS used to cook like their mothers. 

But now they drink like their Fathers...!!! 

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A Sign At A Petrol pump ... 

"Plz ... Don't Smoke Here ... 

Your Life May Be Worthless, 

But Petrol Certainly Isn't...!" 

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The real problem does not start when a boy starts looking at a girl. 

It begins when she turn back and gives a smile. 

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If u r with 1 girl its Anand... 

If u r with 2 girls its Mahanand... 

If u r with 3 girls its Parmanand but 

If u r with many girls then u must b Swami Nityanand. 

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Imagine U join NASA 

After 1 month The Americans will have to change 

The name from NASA to.. SARVANASA 

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The Trouble With The World Is That, 

The Stupids Are Full Of Confidence 

And The Intelligents Are Full Of Doubts 

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A student grabbed a coin, Flipped it in the air & said, 

“Head, I go to sleep.”Tail, I watch a movie. 

If it stands on the edge I’ll study. 

Careers based on results

Most 'First Class' students get technical seats, some become Doctors and some Engineers.

* The 'Second Class' pass, and then pass MBA, become Administrators and control the 'First Class'.
 

The 'Third Class' pass, enter politics and become Ministers and control both.

* Last, but not the least, The 'Failures' join the underworld and control all the above.

Top 10 stupid questions

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations……….

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here...

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anaesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer:- No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years

Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call....

Stupid Question:- Sorry, were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, it’s autumn and I'm shedding..... ..

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it won’t. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks.. .

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ...........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Black robbers

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall... very tall... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.'

But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and face the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'Oh my,' she thought, 'I'm trapped and about to be robbed!' Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me,' she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. confused, she struggled to her feet.

'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, 'I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'Oh my, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room--a dozen roses!

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

 

The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'

It was signed;

Eddie Murphy

Michael Jordan

Taking it as it is

Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs?


Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

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Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Rupee symbol interpretation

Hope !!!!!

Ek Gadha : Yaar mera malik mujhe bahut maarta hai

Dusara Gadha : To tu bhag kyun nahi jata ?

Pehla gadha : Bhag toh jaata...Par future yahaan bahut bright hai. Malik ki khubsoorat beti jab shararat karti hai, toh malik kehta hai , " Teri shaadi gadhe se kar doonga" !!

Bas isi umeed mein baita hoon !!!

Thoughts from Man's heart

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2

The average man's life consists of: Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.

Thought 3

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :'Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ...' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . . But not the poor Groom!!!

And now the Best one. . . . .

Thought 4

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop ! Stand still ! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.'The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you? ''I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.'Oh, yeah?' the man said 'And where the Hell were you when I got married?'

Telephone bill

The man of the house called a family meeting...

On a Saturday morning...after breakfast...

*Dad:*

People this is unacceptable.

You have to limit the use of the phone.

I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

*Mum:*

Same here,

I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

*Son:*

Me too,

I never use the home phone.

I always use my company mobile.

*Maid:*

So - what is the problem?

We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Finance management

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First begger: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday. I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-, and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.

The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

A wonderful example of Financial Management indeed

Great business tactics

Baboo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride!"

Baboo: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Baboo approaches Bill Gates.

Baboo: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Baboo: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Baboo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Baboo: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Baboo: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Smart boy

Image source: Google

A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store. She searched everywhere she had visited, but just couldn`t find it.

Finally, a little boy approached her and asked, "Ma`am, is this your purse?"

Jubilantly, she grabbed the purse and cried, "Yes! Yes, it is! Thank you so much!"

Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused. "But how strange... when I lost it, I had only a hundred dollar bill, but now I have five twenties!"

The boy replied, "That`s because the last time I returned a lady`s purse, she didn`t have any change for a reward!"