Marriage Humor

Wife:          'What are you doing?'   

Husband:    "Nothing" 

Wife:          'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 

Husband:     'I was looking for the expiry date.'   

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Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'   

Husband:       'Sure! What are my choices?'   

Wife:          'Yes or no.'      

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Stress Reliever 

Girl:       'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   

Boy:       'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   

Girl:       'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' 

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Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   

Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'   

Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'   

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'    

Husbands are husbands 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan. 

'What was that for?' the man asked. 

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. 

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' 

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. 

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. 

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' 

  

Men and women talk

Two women friends chatting in office:

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Great man- Greater women

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner. Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be President"

Women never listen

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will floc to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:

This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attac ten times "milder" than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Dont show to your wife or mil

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line.
Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin? "

"My Mother-in-Law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.


Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."


"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

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Fax Message

" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.


" Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."


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Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "


The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

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Love your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."


"Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

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Divorce !!!!!!!!!!!

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."


"But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."


The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

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Two Wishes

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,


"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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Nice Similarities

Similarities between (Girls and Windows) and (Boys and Linux)


1.Girls and Windows

Both have a great UI.
Both consume large resources and do less work.
Both crash unexpectedly.
Both are not easily portable on different architectures (environment).
Both can't work on low resource architectures (environment).
Both are costly to maintain.
Both give mostly unexpected outputs.
Both's working often contradicts with their documentation.
Both are easily prone to viruses (rumors and doubts) and they (viruses) do spread very fast in windows based networks.
In spite of all above disadvantages, both are liked.



2.Boys and Linux

Both have an average UI.
Both are robust.
Both are highly secure.
Both can be easily modified to support new concepts/features.
Both are efficient.
Both are easily portable to any architecture (environment) no matter how low are resources.
You can easily guess the output for your input (in Linux just open its code, for boys they are mostly transparent by nature).
Both provide large support for development (work environment).

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A Smart Woman

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

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A Prayer

A Prayer...... .

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord,
if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.

Amen!

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Staying Married from Female Point of View

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two croche ted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

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To be Six Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her Husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her __expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

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Cost of Brain

The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked.

A woman unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

"It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."

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